Terrorist threat assessment by country.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re- categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

US Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "S---t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!," "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
__________________

Well Don, at a stroke you've managed to insult everyone apart from Canadians and possibly small earthworms called Cyril.

Surely you can find something about Canada? :

I'm not insulted at all, quite an accurate descripion of the Scottish psyche

Sorry John, but we Canadians really only watch out for cold weather alerts....
it was meant in good fun!

Lovely Don

Glad you didn't mention my country

I'm feeling left out, what's wrong with us Welsh......

I fear that the empire is out of control, next we will have the Australian contingent on board....

I'll tell you the story of my Canadian cousin Hazel.

She ventured out of their log cabin to visit the outdoor amenities and found a bear wandering around the yard. She went back in, fetched the shotgun and promptly shot it.

They enjoyed the bear for the next meal or few and now use it as a rug.

The moral of this tale is "Don't mess with my Canadian cousin Hazel."

That's all I have about Canada, apart from telling you I visit the Canadian Photo Club website from time to time, just to see how they are doing and share an image or two!

There was one time we had too initiate "The barbie is cancelled." decree, it was back in the time of the big flood, we couldn't find any wood and Noah wouldn't give us any of his offcuts.

Hmmmmmm.... Australians + barbies + The Ark

Now I see what really wiped the dinosaurs out!

Hey I didn't kill that Tyranasaurus, it ran out in front of my spear and I was brought up to never let good meat go to waste. now pass the salt

Lo-sodium of course.....

Isn't Canada the only country to have successfully invaded the USA?

Twice?!

Re Canada, slightly dated,

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the
United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well
recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't
nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a
moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not
like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees
than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and
better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our
excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I
notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer
but, we feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up
against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize
it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler,
but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're
constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a
thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over
this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.

Folks, most entertaining thread I've read in a long time! Well done!